Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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