i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
