I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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