So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
