My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
