Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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