My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
