im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
