i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
