Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
