Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We are two peas in an std pod
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
