so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
At least life still wants to fuck me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
