Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
