does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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