Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
