I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
