Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
