You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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