i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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