I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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