i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
