I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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