You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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