i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
