can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I intend to get homeless drunk
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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