She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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