Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
