I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
