I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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