If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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