I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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