my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
time to smoke my breakfast
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
