I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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