Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
