My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
