i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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