I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
