also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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