Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
