Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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