I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
