My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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