I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
