please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
