I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
