she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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