I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
