I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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