My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
