Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
