Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
